i want to write for a living.

I've been trying to figure out for the past few years what I wanted to do with my life. Which pretty much sucks because every one knows what they want to do, and they've known it forever. But the other day, I realized I wanted to write. And I've always wanted to write, but lately, I've been trying to get into music. I can't believe that I never thought of writing about music. SHIT! that's a pretty genius. i wish i had thought of this before. and the best part. I know how to write and I listen to music. I'm all set up =]

Don't Get Mad If I'm Laughing

Last night was Hot Hot Heat at The Electric Factory. I was seriously unimpressed. And maybe it's because I was so built up from the first Hot Hot Heat show that I expected so much from something that could never be so amazing. I guess all my anger starts at the venue. I absolutely HATE the Electric Factory. It wasn't crowded as much as Hellogoodbye in 2006 was, but it was still somewhat filled. It sucked hardcore that we were 2nd row again, but I still got looks. I always hated the fact that the stage was about 6 feet away from the crowd, and the stage is above your head. At the TLA, they're at your waist level, no more than 1/2 a foot away. I mean, Louis XIV had a great sound and were super energetic, and Hot Hot Heat had a great show! But after the show, we found out that Hot Hot Heat wasn't gonna come out, because they had done a meet and greet before the show. And that pretty much sucked hardcore. But Caroline and I started hanging out with Jason from Louis XIV. He was really nice, and then I found out he was crazy drunk. From here on in, I can't release any more information, I promised. But I think the blurry part that I'm not allowed to say is what made my concert night really...intense. I just wish that the element of the concert was different. I wish that it was at the TLA and that Hot Hot Heat was headlining, but unfortunately, I can't change things. I just can't shake this feeling.

Emily 

I could do my homework. Nahh.

Last night, as I'm falling asleep, I started thinking about things. And not normal things, things like "have I ever really loved? or was it all just a facade for lust?" And now I have no idea. I was thinking about all the people I've ever been with, and I've never felt the safety that I wanted to in their arms. My thing is that I want to feel safe when I'm with a person and that no one could ever hurt me while I was with them. But to tell you the truth, I can honestly say I've never really felt that. I think I've felt a false sense of security, where I've convinced myself that I felt that, when I really didn't. But the one person who made me feel safe is someone who I used to love, but I don't anymore. Someone who I can never be with and someone that could and always be my best friend. He's such a great person that I don't know where I'd be without him. And when he hugged me, I felt so safe and so secure. But recently, I haven't talked to or seen him in awhile, and I've been able to sustain myself. I've been able to hold onto what I felt was something that I would've had to tell him in the past. Maybe I'm becoming self-sufficient, or maybe I've just taught myself to live without someone who I can really trust.

But I miss it. I sincerely do. I never talk to him and I miss him. He's not a love interest. He's just my best friend, and I hope that other things don't get in the way before we lose all contact whatsoever. 

Emily

Today is January 1st, 2008. 

And somehow, I feel the same as I did yesterday. It's not like anything has changed but the date. Things still stand as they did yesterday. I'm still single, I'm still a diabetic, and I'm still best friends with my best friend. Things haven't significantly changed in the past 24 hours, and how can anyone expect them to? It's just...odd. Because as much as I want this year to be the best year ever, I can't say that it will. It depends on how things play out. And I hope things work out for me this year. Because that would be pretty freaking awesome.

New Years Resolutions:

Be who I want to be

Buy more hard copies of albums

Work out more

Hug more people

Tell one of my best friends how much I hate that I don't talk and see him anymore

Listen to more good wholesome music

love,

Emily