So...

IT sucks. Life sucks. As much as I'm excited for school to start and for band camp to be done and the fun to start, I can't wrap my head around the fact that I miss you. I see you all the time and I just want to waltz right up to you and make a conversation. And I can't because I ended the friendship. I'm gonna seem a like a pussy and somehow I'll have lost all respect for myself. I've done so well without seeing you, and life was better. I just can't deal with the fact that all these people are okay with you. You hurt me and you don't even care. And as much as I don't want to say it, you obviously don't want to be friends anymore. If you wanted to be friends, you would've made the effort. And since I haven't heard one word out of you since I sent the letter, I can tell you don't want to make the effort. Your new friends (though I love them and they're some of the nicest people I've ever met) have turned you into a dick. You used to tell me that you tried and you tried, but you could never be a dick. Well look at you now, apparently you have reached your goal. You're an asshole who doesn't care about anything but looks and clothes and everyone who isn't me. I know that underneath all that bullshit I know you're still there and you have the same heart you ever did. Whatever it takes to find it, I know you can get there, but I can't help you with that. You need to realized that you hurt people, and that until you realize that and apologize I don't think I can be friends with you. As much as it hurts me to say it, I can't reclaim a friendship with you. I still miss you and I won't stop missing you. Our friendship reached down deep, and I loved you for that. I don't think I really loved you like someone you marry, but someone who cared about me and realized that I needed someone to help me along before I hurt myself in a bad way. You kept me away from all the bullshit in life and you knew that I didn't know where to stop. Since I haven't been around you, I've learned to take care of myself and that's a good thing. I'm not dependent on you, and thats good. But I just wish I could bring back what we once had and life didn't suck so bad without you.

Love,

Emily.

Listening to: Never Run Again-The Working Title

I'm Quite The Joke To You...

I don't think I've ever wanted to blog this bad. I wanted to do a late night blog whilst on vacation, but I never had the charger/laptop because Momma always wanted it late. Whatever...here goes.

I kept having the weirdest dreams. I had this one where I ended up dating a guy who I hated this past school year. I had another dream where I went on a road trip with a guy who ended up being a nerdfighter, and we fell in love. It sucks waking up from dreams like those, because I know I'm just gonna end up feeling lonely again. I haven't been in a relationship for almost 2 years, and the past year of my life, I didn't kiss anyone. I came close, but nothing ever came of it. It sucks, and I just sit in an empty hotel room, and realize "Oh hey, you're lonely, and no matter how much you wish that something good will happen to you, you know it never will." I'll listen to love songs, and hope that one day I can dance to one with a guy I really like. But each time I hear the song, I just want to cry. And maybe it's my fault that I never get anywhere with someone. I'm just so upfront about dumb things, and make jokes that should never be said. It hurts that people who are (no offense) way less attractive then I am, find someone and I can't. And that's not to say that I'm a concieted person, it's just sucks when someone who looks like a boy finds a boyfriend and I can't. I try so hard to look my best and to present myself in a way that is appealing, but all I get from people is that they hate my personality and I'm annoying. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, but I just feel like I need this approval. And I keep thinking that maybe if I dress differently, maybe if I look different, maybe if I lost the glasses, and lost some weight, then someone would find me attractive. But I try so hard and people wonder why I look different. I just have one question for you people:

What am I doing wrong?

I try. I really do. But honestly, is there anything I can do to make myself more appealing? Because I can almost never find comfort in anything. The one thing that makes me feel a bit better is music. I can find comfort in the songs of people feeling lonely, and comfort in break up songs. 

I'm just gonna feel hollow for now. I think I'll be okay.

listening to: A Little Bit Longer, Jonas Brothers.

PS: Before any of you rip on me for liking the Jonas Brothers, A Little Bit Longer is about diabetes, a disease that both Nick Jonas and I have. Please just realize that it's not about them being mega-stars, it's about the disease. Just...chill.

yes please!

This is not my heart...

I'm beginning to think that right now, I can repair some friendships. Writing letters helps me get what I need to say across to the person who I need to say it to without looking like a pussy on the internet, and not having to have them shout back into my face.

And letters mean something to me.

When I get a letter, I tape it to my wall. 

So there, I think I'll just do some healing?

Maybe I'll do that after taking video clips 

In front of the LOVE statue in center Philly.

I never cease to amaze myself with my great ideas.

Hi. My name is Emily.

listening to : About A Girl by The Academy Is... (new album out August 19th!)